Watch Out!

Is it my imagination or are the newspapers more panicky this time about the prospective result. The Mail and Telegraph, in particular, are particularly raucous in their partisanship, as is the Mirror on the other side. The Guardian trying to appear measured sometimes lets its mask slip and tries to counter the jibes of the Conservative Press. Just for fun then, I projected myself to the final week and imagined how the press on either side might react if their party looks like losing. First the Mail. It might have headlines and stories like this: MILIBAND BLOCKS INTRODUCTION OF PENNY-A-DAY CANCER CURE. It is reported that Miliband said at the end of a dinner party at the Royal Zoological Society that he wanted to stop cruel and unnatural experiments on sea slugs which might lead to a different way of testing possible experiments that may help researchers to speed up the testing of possible cancer cures..............Or maybe PM MILIBAND WOULD BRING IN ICY ARCTIC BLAST. A senior meteorologist has studied the behaviour of crows in the Outer Hebrides and has concluded that, on past data, whenever a Labour leader has become prime minister, the crows show signs of distress immediately followed by plunging temperatures. The meteorologist, who has farmed a croft in the Scottish Highlands for the past fifty years, insisted that.......... More likely, HOUSE PRICES SET TO PLUNGE UNDER MILIBAND...make up any old story of your own..... The Sun would direct its paranoia, for example, MILIBAND OFFERS MILLION POUND COUNCIL HOMES TO ISIS FIGHTERS AT £1 A WEEK. If becomes prime minister, radical jihadist, Red Ed has said he wants to reward returning British jihadis with homes confiscated from tax evaders, in recognition of their brave decision to quit the fighting in the Middle East and cause havoc here instead.......... Perhaps, LABOUR INSISTS ENGLISH SCHOOLCHILDREN TO LEARN SCOTTISH AS PART OF SNP PACT. Ed McMiliband, who has changed his name in recognition of his complete capitulation to SNP demands, has said that his multicultural agenda demands that all young people shall speak with Scottish accents so as not to offend the Scots....... How about, WELFARE SPONGERS TO BE OFFERED HOMES AT BUCK HOUSE IF LABOUR WINS CORRUPT POLL. Pretty obvious really......... On the other side, the Mirror might lead with, TORY TOFFS TO MAKE ETON EDUCATON FREE. The Bullingdon gang are planning to offer a free Eton education to all those earning over a £million a year, provided they can show they have paid not UK tax for at least five years........ Maybe a renewed attack on Boris, BONKING BORIS TO BECOME MINISTER FOR MORALITY UNDER TORIES. Posh toff Tories are planning a new government department in charge of the nation’s morality with Big Boris at the helm. Among the proposed policies is a law preventing rape charges being brought if the victim was wearing a skirt ending above the knee. It is understood that Cameron crony, Lord Clarkson of Detroit, recently ennobled, will join him as junior minister in charge of domestic violence issues.......... The more genteel Guardian would be more subtle, for example, LABOUR TO ABOLISH POVERTY. Within five weeks of a new Labour government poverty in Britain will be abolished. According to the left-leaning think tank, The Institute for Producing Dodgy Data, which has been accurate in its productions at least twice over the past forty years, said that Labour policies have been costed and will mean everyone will move to average earnings or more within five weeks........Perhaps, TORIES ADMIT RECESSION WAS THEIR FAULT. A senior unnamed Tory has leaked a memo, written on a serviette found in the bin at Macdonalds in Oldham and signed ‘Theresa’, clearly a reference to the Home Secretary. It read, ‘ It woz the bloody Tories wot caused me to lose my f******ing job.’ The Express will, I assume, urge us to support Ukip. How about a final headline, UKIP TO MAKE US ALL RICH – WHITE PEOPLE THAT IS. Nigel Farage has come up with an eleventh hour proposal to make all indigenous English people rich. All assets will be confiscated from anyone born outside England, or whose parents or grandparents were foreign. The proceeds will be given to the rich and the newly impoverished immigrants will be departed. End of. Watch out!